Sunday, April 23, 2006

I have seen the future, and his name is BubbRubb.
With all of the recent talk of administration shake-up, there's intense speculation over who will assume the soon-to-be vacated slots in a desperate attempt to salvage the wreckage they've inflicted on the country and the world over the past 6 years. I hearby nominate BubbRubb to every single position.

Not convinced? Let's compare!

Bush Administration: Inept, incompetent and inexcusable blundering. Have no idea what they should do when they get to work.
BubbRubb: Will tell you exactly what you need to be doing the first thing in the morning: "Cooking breakfast for somebody." Probably for BubbRubb himself.

Illegal activities:
Bush Administration: Covers illegal, politically-motivated backstabbing with phony excuses about unannounced intel release, while countless backroom dealings are still shrouded in unwarranted secrecy. Corruption charges brought weekly.
BubbRubb: Has never exposed Valerie Plame or any other CIA agent. Never took direction from Dick Cheney. Muffler parts totally legal.

Public Relations:
Bush Administration: Press Secretaries constantly making jaw-droppingly inane excuses for policy disasters, corruption.
BubbRubb: Press Secretary (Lil-Sis) makes plausible excuses: "Its just for decoration. That's it and that's all."

Bush Administration: Offers Americans no evidence of benefit from lavishing multibillion dollar energy conglomerates with sweetheart deals, tax breaks, and favorite-son policymaking!
BubbRubb: Offers tangible, direct evidence of spending! Wooo-WOOOOT!

Bush Administration: Burned every diplomatic bridge erected by prior administrations in foreign policy, ruthlessly alienating all but the most ideologically entrenched cronies and bought allies. Raked up the coals, doused them in $3.19 per gallon gasoline, burned again.
BubbRubb: Briefly burned rubber.

Bush Administration: A majority believes he has steered this country off-course.
BubbRubb: Briefly steered his '88 Camaro into the oncoming traffic lane. Immediately course-corrected.

Freedom of the Press:
Bush Administration: Has a contempt for the free press never before witnessed in this country's history. Q: Your First Amendment rights as guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution? A: "It's just a goddamned piece of paper."* (*Actual quote! December 2005).
BubbRubb: Offers press complete, transparent access to all decisionmaking.

Bush Administration: Puts Americans out of work.
BubbRubb: Puts muffler shops to work.

Bush Administration: 35% approval rating (Who the hell are these people?)
BubbRubb: Exactly 2 naysayers. "Woo-WOOOOT!!!!"

The Jive Call:
Americans, get behind me! BubbRubb for every Administration post!